February 11, 2020

Where I Am Right Now

I'm struggling with a profound sense of nihilism that has taken over my entire outlook.

Where I Am Right Now

I'm struggling with a profound sense of nihilism that has taken over my entire outlook. I don't mean in the popular culture sense of 'nothing matters' - I mean in the deepest philosophical sense. I'm not suicidal, but also, I'm really not that sold on the 'value' of my life in the way others define value; and I've run into dead end after dead end looking for validation for my (our) existence that just doesn't exist in reality.

What about faith, you say? What about god?

I don't have the words to share the deep, simmering rage I feel for what I've come to see as the delusions of grandeur that religion (and politics, for that matter) - the pretty, customized views of the universe wrapped up in festive boxes with bows that come in each person's favorite color - evokes in me now. I've been a part of two major religious traditions and they are both absolute bullshit. Absolute. Bullshit.

I don't have the time, energy or desire to argue with anyone who wants to defend the colossal system of confirmation bias and confabulated 'truths' that we're all running around pretending to be reality (like a bunch of kids, on a playground, constructing an imaginary world for themselves out of thin air). I assure you, if you start pulling at threads, it all falls apart very quickly. Ideologues and True Believers make me sick, now. Truly.

This a terrible place to be, because it means looking at existence for what it is: a chaotic, random and unknowable ride through a cosmos that we don't even have the capacity to fully understand in the short time we live and die on this tiny planet.

But as bad as that is, knowing that we are spending whatever sentient existence we have in a state of total fucking delusion... well, that's somehow even worse. For me, at least.

So this is where I am:

Is the only way to be a successful, happy human being to construct fictional stories that help us cope - and to convince as many other people as possible that they are true? Because if so, I don't know if I can ever do that again. And that means I'm going to live out the rest of my life pretty unsuccessfully and unhappy and THAT has me bummed the fuck right out.

I'm looking for a way to live a good life, without having to pretend that the truth is knowable. I'm looking for a way to be alive without living a lie. I'm looking to make peace with the not knowing, in a world where everyone judges you on how strongly you adhere to whatever fucking false doctrine they're jacked up on themselves.

And this shit is hard. And I feel super lonely facing it.