I'm tired. It feels like a lot has happened in just these first three months of 2020, and though I'm very good at managing my emotional and psychological health, I'd be lying if said it hasn't taken a toll.
We don't get to choose our circumstances, we only get to choose our reactions and responses within the circumstances we have been given. I believe this. All the little things we do in modern life to try to get ahead or determine better outcomes for ourselves and others - they are an illusion of control. The truth is that for most of us reading this, we're just flat lucky to have been born where we were, and, as this pandemic has showed us, even that is not a guarantee that we'll be ok at any point in present or future.
I spent the last year in a deep existential crisis, so I actually feel like I'm doing ok right now. I was prepped for the questions that are arising in our collective consciousness about mortality, social structures, the value and purpose of community, political limitations, and my own in/ability to contribute to the greater good as a creative individual.
Even still, the intensity of the last six weeks has been hard. I may not be the type that freaks out all the time, but I'm pretty sensitive. My soul is weary and I need to take care of her.
So I'm going to take one of my social media sabbaticals starting Monday, April 13 through the end of the month. I'll be back online May 1.
I don't believe in telling people what they should or shouldn't do. It's not my job, or my right. So I'll just tell you what I'm going to do and if you find inspiration from it, I'm glad.
I'm going to take all social media off my phone, and log out of my personal social media accounts and not look at anything for almost three weeks.
I'm going to give myself the gift of quiet reflection. I'm going to write in my journal, blog, and write poetry.
I'm going to read books and drink tea and go for walks. I'm going to take naps.
I'm going to continue to support organizations doing relief work, journalists who are engaged in truth-telling, and friends/family who need me.
I'm going to sit sometimes, quietly, with nothing to do or read or write. And simply be alive in the moment.
Life is short. I want to savor it, and feel every moment I can - whether it's "good" or "bad" - because both are real, and both are part of my journey. I spent so many of my years both avoiding awful thoughts and feelings and chasing hopes/dreams that were never based in reality. Escapism is the primary coping mechanism for most of us in this society.
Before I knew it my life was half over.
So I'm going to slow down now, and savor. Knowing that the world will go on without me paying constant attention to it. Of course it will. All of the important things and important people will keep being important, and all the critics and marketers and faith leaders and pundits will keep beating their drums; and I will find some sweetness even in this difficult place - because there is always some sweetness to be found in *any* place, and I deserve to taste it. We all do.
And when I return, I'll be different - but also, the same.